Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

“Lie on your stomach and spread your ass-cheeks—just like last time.” She spoke with a European accent and stood over my nearly naked body, tool in hand waiting for me to respond. She’d said it matter-of-factly, as if it wasn’t anything new to her—and in reality it wasn’t; she’d done this before with me and with others. Young, tall and Gold’s Gym taut, I especially liked the way she pulled her dark, wavy hair up in a bushy bun in the back. Her bangs swept over her forehead and the entire look was one of controlled disarray—very sexy.

“I’m going to have to shave the area a little first.” She didn’t wait for my acknowledgement. I felt the razor deftly stroke the sensitive area around my asshole. Then she applied a liberal amount of gel to the area. “That’s better, ready?” I nodded but my jaw was jammed onto the leather of the bench cushion—we didn’t use pillows. I wasn’t sure she could see my head trying to bob back and forth. But she didn’t need a reply—the question was rhetorical. “Just try and relax,” she said as if anybody so exposed could really relax.

She touched the laser-gun to my anus and pressed the foot-pedal. It hummed and snapped as she moved it around the black-hole. The skin is dark in that area, so the heat built up quickly. I was about to plead for her to stop, but she was already done. “There; not so bad, huh?” I unclenched my teeth and turned onto my back; she went to work on my legs. Snap, snap, snap... Despite the anesthetic cream I could feel each light-needle prick of the gun as she ran it quickly up and down my legs. Smoke rose from the skin and I could smell burning hair.

Getting my body hair lasered is one of the many routines I have to follow to combat the evils of hair. Too much or too little hair can be a curse to both men and women, but I think it is especially cruel to MTF (male to female) transsexuals. Hair is everywhere you don’t want it—your back, stomach, breasts, your ass! Yet it is mysteriously absent from the place you want it most: your head. I think God invented hair as a torment.

I’ve endured over 300 hours of torturous electrolysis to remove facial hair, a meticulously slow process that takes years to complete. The electrologist inserts a needle into each hair follicle, electrocutes it with a deadly current which, incidentally, hurts like hell! A good session of an hour or two can clear as many as 500 – 1000 follicles. Great! Only 999,000 to go. And half of them come back anyway and need to be zapped again. But I made it through those agonizing years intact—although, like Chinese water torture, I think I may have been driven just a little insane by the whole process.

Then there was the inevitable male-pattern-baldness. Not so bad in my case, but certainly working on multiple levels: receding at the forehead and the crown in back. Trying to meet somewhere in the middle so I could eventually make use of that oh so attractive comb-over that so many men with no hair on top love to try and fool the world with. So off to Bangkok to have hair transplant surgery (less than half-the price of U.S. doctors). This was easier. The doctor did it all in one half-day session.

I had a nice harvest area in the back to use as infill. It was painless—in large part due to the six Vicodins I swallowed and a liberal amount of Novocain on the head. Well, there was the little spell I had later that day after the operation—I fainted and my head fell into my dinner. But I’ll take that any day over electrolysis.

Now I’ve graduated to the laser-gun. The gun that shoots a little beam of light that annihilates hair under the skin at the root. That is as long as the hair is dark and your skin is light. Real light. No dark olive skin types, no suntans. I don’t leave the house without lathering SPF 45 on my arms, legs and chest just to avoid the inescapable effects of sunlight on my Italian olive skin. Expose it to sun for less than five minutes and it turns brown. Nooooooooooooo!

So as embarrassing, time-consuming, and expensive as all this hair maintenance is (the cost of sexual reconstructive surgery is nothing compared to all this) is it worth it? Does a transvestite love pantyhose? YES, it’s worth it! If you’ve ever epilated any part of your body you’d know! And unless I wanted to spend a lifetime with a bad comb-over, and having to endlessly epilate and shave my arms, stomach, breasts, ass...enough said?