Me And My Big Mouth

I have to say that I don’t think about being transsexual too often. But there are times when it can’t be avoided. And mostly those times, for me at least, are in social situations with friends and acquaintances. Last night is a good example. I’m at a conference this week with coworkers; we are typically scattered around the country, but come together occasionally for group work.

So we’re on a break and talking about our past, and I start talking about my past. That is dangerous for a TS unless people know your history. So I blurt out something like “back then when I was a little boy…” I caught my breath, stuttered when I realized what I had said, “…I mean little girl…” stuttered again, knowing I was fumbling all over myself. “I mean I’m trans, I was a boy then…” and just finished the story as best I could and left it out there.

Now I realize many people know I’m transsexual anyway, but it’s not something I normally talk about because I don’t know how uncomfortable it makes them. Just have a look at the horrible experience Marlene had when she came out to an acquaintance. She describes her experience in several entries on her blog dated in early February: http://www.adahlshouse.com/. It isn’t pretty. And that’s all I could think about after I blurted it out at the table over drinks.

We changed the subject to other business and we all acted normally. Now I was uncomfortable thinking about who I made uncomfortable. But instead of saying anything further I just let the whole thing drop.

Then tonight—again. A group of us girls are standing around talking about what nicknames we had growing up. When it was my turn I could have made something up, but I just stumbled through again and said I’m transgender and only had my female name since 1999. They asked my male name and I told them, but again, I felt uneasy afterward over who I may have made uncomfortable. Of course the first thing I think about is what if they see me in the ladies room. Will they be distressed when we’re together in there? The ladies room had always been the biggest problem for me during transition, and I still worry about what others may think if they know I used to have a penis.

I could have lied; I’ve done that before. But when you work with people that you may be seeing for years to come, lying always leads to more lies. That’s a poor alternative. So I tell the truth, awkwardly; I don’t elaborate, awkwardly; and I wonder what people are thinking about me when they know.

Trans people will face this all our lives. It will never be easy. Some people will be uncomfortable, and I will always be uncomfortable. But these are good people, and I respect them a great deal. I would rather have us be a little awkward with each other than build a tower of lies that will eventually fall down around my knees and hurt us all.